I wish I could say I’m a normal person. Yet any mentioning of this phrase doesn’t seem to work. See, I have social anxiety disorder (Or social phobia) and it is diagnosed, medicated, yet barely understood. I’ll give the short version: In public or social situations, I feel like I’m going to throw up. The less control I have, the more prone to these feeling I become. And it’s not just throwing up. It’s shakes. Sweats. The feeling like I’m trapped. Like I need to get out of whatever situation I’m in. For example, if I’m in a store and it strikes, I need to get out of that store. Or at least close to the doors. If I designed a giant store there would be doors fucking everywhere. We’d get robbed like 90 times a day but at least I wouldn’t feel horrible just because I need to buy lightbulbs.
It’s not something I would expect people to understand. It’s not something I can even describe… It just… Is. This is what I was working on. I had begun going out to dinner, movies, bowling, lots of places I didn’t think I would go. Hell, I was even suggesting things. At first, I felt like these were appreciated. She was very happy, would say she was proud of me for my efforts. But it’s not like after one time it stopped being hard… It is still hard. Every time. And she wouldn’t say those things anymore. I used to be called brave, now I was ushered back into the house with no remark at all.
Maybe I should be happy with myself and shouldn’t need to hear it from others. Maybe this entire situation comes down to me being too needy. Maybe I just don’t know what I want. Or need.
Maybe I need to be more proud of who I am.