It’s pretty damn cold outside. Everywhere. So I’m stuck inside but I’m not too worried about it. I’m just cranking some jams and getting some work done. Jack White is amazing. In particular Blunderbuss really gets to me. I feel like at different points in the song it is relating to different parts of how I feel and who I am. Often I feel like I can relate with a line or two of a song but some of these are uncanny.
You grabbed my arm and left with me but you were not allowed to
You took me to a public place to quietly blend into
Such a trick pretending not to be doing what you want to
But seems like everybody does this every waking moment
If you read some of the previous posts you know I have social anxiety disorder. Quite often my life has been pretending to be happy I am where I am, when in fact all I am doing is counting down the time until I get to leave. I’ve also had people who don’t understand how I feel that I shouldn’t be nervous in places like malls because there are so many people and no one will notice me. But I know they notice me because I hear kids say it to their parents as they walk by. “Daddy, that guy is SO TALL!” “Daddy, is that a basketball player?!” “Mommy, look at that tall guy!” And sometimes even directly to me.
Luckily my brother is only a bit shorter than I am. He’s about 6’6″ or 6’7″ and he gave me a fantastic line. When someone asks me if I play basketball I simply respond with “No, are you a jockey?” and the situation goes from annoying to hilarious for me in a moment. I don’t want to be noticed because I’m always worried I’ll embarrass myself somehow. Maybe I’ll throw up. Maybe I’ll pass out. I don’t know, whatever it is it’ll draw even more attention and I won’t like it. This is my fear. But it’s getting better, and I think possibly better every day. Pretty soon I hope I get to hop on a plane and fly. Honestly, it doesn’t matter where I fly, because just being able to fly will be a huge step for me. Knowing I can do that would be better than seeing any landmark.