Where to start…

About 4.5 years ago I met a remarkable person. Someone who was too kind and too nice to me at a time in which I really needed it. It didn’t take long for me to realize I’d fallen in love. I was incredibly happy. And I don’t mean that type of happy where like you look at them and smile. I mean that type of happy where you want to share everything, give everything, and love as much as you’re capable. I would laugh at every joke, smile from every kiss, and rise each morning knowing I had something incredibly special.

Luckily, she felt the same way about me. We had an amazing time together. Which isn’t easy, since I do have some very severe mental health problems, but I can get into that later… She loved better than anyone I’ve ever met. You know because you can feel it inside. It’s not a feeling you can compare to anything else.

So why if everything was so perfect, why do I even have to write a blog? Well, because things started to slip. I don’t want to blame either of us. I can take plenty of the blame, but I know she had her faults in this as well… We got lazy. Complacent. Comfortable. I would read things online every day “Are you in love, or are you just comfortable?” Well… Maybe I was both. I still am. A couple months ago she decided she needed to be on her own… She moved out, moving in with her parents. We would text very rarely. Like a few times a day. But this only went on for a week and she Facetime’d me saying she missed me. Saying she needed me. This was music to my ears as I needed her. She moved back in with me the next day. I gave 100% effort on the things that I felt drove her away. But perhaps I didn’t give 100% effort on 100% of the things… I slipped.

Now we come to a couple weeks ago and I begin feeling strongly these feelings of simple complacency. It really was all the little things that started to get to me. Instead of us both going to the store to get something, I would go by myself… Instead of watching movies together, we would each watch Netflix in separate rooms. We still told each other we loved each other. We still cuddled in bed. We even prepared a New Years card to send out to all of our friends and family. We didn’t end up ordering it because I began feeling more and more like things were getting worse. I would voice my concerns. I would say I wasn’t feeling attractive, which is an incredibly important thing. I would say we weren’t having enough sex, again, very important. I would say that I didn’t feel my 100% effort was being appreciated enough. She understood. Agreed, even. But I didn’t see enough change. I was still going to the gas station to get her Diet Coke rather than both of us going together. I was still looking in the mirror and seeing imperfections everywhere.

So last night… I told her. I told her I don’t think we should be together right now. I have no idea what the future holds. I broke down last night as well as this morning. Many times. I am hopeful that we can get back together in the future. Knowing more about ourselves. Knowing more about what we had. In the meantime, I have to trust that this is the right decision and be incredibly sad in that idea.

Happy New Year, eh?

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